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Joke thread.

Discussion in 'The Breakroom' started by Shike, Feb 3, 2016.

  1. jag-engr
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    jag-engr Semper Bufo!
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    This may be your best one yet...
     
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  2. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Thank you!

    I invented a new word
    plagiarism
     
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  3. Flashman

    Flashman Loaded Pockets

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    You must have kids, Asemery, because that is some straight up Dad humour....

    I gotta find my kids, I have some new jokes to tell them.
     
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  4. Shike

    Shike Loaded Pockets

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    A young Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
    They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
    The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”
    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
    The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. Then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
    Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous young blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Son, go get your mother.”
     
  5. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.
     
  6. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!
     
  7. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Apéritif: French for "a set of dentures."
     
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  8. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    I'm so old I remember when Alkaline was a Detroit Tiger.
     
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  9. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    As I watched a dog chasing its tail I thought "Dogs are easily amused", then I realized I was watching a dog chasing its tail.
     
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  10. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
     
  11. Shike

    Shike Loaded Pockets

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    A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
     
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  12. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    A man decided to rent his vacation home to earn extra money. He hired a realtor to investigate the applicants. When it came down to the final selection to determine who would be the most desirable, he had to choose between the evils of two lessors.
     
  13. AV8R

    AV8R Loaded Pockets

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    An elderly farmer owned a large farm in the back country of Louisiana.

    Along the distant edge of his property was a very large pond. Properly shaped and sized for swimming, he had it landscaped with a large gazebo, several picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a sanded beach and a small grove of peach trees.

    One evening the old farmer decided to walk down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while.

    He grabbed a five-gallon bucket from the barn to hopefully bring back some fresh peaches.

    As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

    As he got closer, he saw the commotion was several young, beautiful girls skinny-dipping in his pond.

    He politely made the ladies aware of his presence, but they all rushed way out to the deeper end of the pond.

    One of the young girls shouted; "Please, please go away! We're naked and not coming out of this pond until you leave!"

    The old man frowned and replied; "I'm sorry ladies. I didn't mean to interrupt your skinny dipping!"

    Holding the bucket up he added; "I'm here to feed the alligator!"
     
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  14. scríbhneoir
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    scríbhneoir Uber Prepared
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    The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
     
  15. 0dBm

    0dBm Loaded Pockets

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    Individual bought his pet to the vet for an evaluation. Technician stated that it was dead. Owner requested a 2nd opinion so the tech brought an old Calico that uttered a lowly purr that the tech said confirmed the 1st conclusion. Unsatisfied with that, the owner demanded a 3rd opinion. Tech brought in a large Labrador Retriever that gave one short sniff and groaned to signify the 1st and 2nd conclusion. Owner gasped at the $275 bill and demanded an explanation. Tech said it would have only been $49.95 but you had a cat scan and lab results.
     
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  16. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
     
  17. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    When new visitor's see our cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
     
  18. ElSockoBlanco

    ElSockoBlanco Loaded Pockets

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    Why is the avalanche going uphill?
    It´s homesick
     
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  19. wazu013

    wazu013 EDC Junkie!!!

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    Patient: The problem is that obesity runs in our family.

    Doctor: No, the problem is that no one runs in your family
     
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  20. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Q: What kind of game do you play with a wombat?
    A: Wom.
    ********************************************
    “ Two beavers are sitting on the edge of a stream. One beavers turns to other and asks, "Hey, Bob, I noticed you look a little stressed out. What's the problem?"
    "Oh it's just one dam thing after another."

    *************************************************************
    I visited the new aviary everyone's talking about but I think it's for the birds.