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Joke thread.

Discussion in 'The Breakroom' started by Shike, Feb 3, 2016.

  1. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
    It was the pot calling the cattle back.
     
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  2. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    What do you call an Irishman who is a great thinker and a skin specialist?

    Dermot O'Logical!
    **************************************************************************
    Did you know that the day before Cinco de Mayo is National Star Wars day, May the 4th be with you.
     
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  3. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    What do you call an Irishman who runs at a wall, bounces off the wall, runs at the opposite wall and bounces off, then runs back to the original wall?

    "Rick O'Shea"
     
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  4. jag-engr
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    jag-engr Semper Bufo!
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    I have to give credit to backwater-otter, who posted this elsewhere and reminded me of one of my favorite jokes:

    A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted,"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

    "I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

    The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know."

    "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
     
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  5. Holliday

    Holliday Loaded Pockets

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    Great thread! Here's one that always made me laugh.

    lemmings (1).jpg
     
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  6. backwater-otter

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    Credit-taken lol. What's your username elsewhere??
     
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  7. jag-engr
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    jag-engr Semper Bufo!
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    My username is jag-engr on a bunch of forums.
     
  8. Froley

    Froley Loaded Pockets

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    On a T-shirt---

    "Education is important
    But playing the guitar is
    Importanter!"
     
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  9. AV8R

    AV8R Loaded Pockets

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    A young woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his prized guitar collection.

    The Judge reviews his notes, leans over the bench and softly asks the lady defendant; "First offender?"

    She pauses, smiles and embarrassingly replies; "No, Your Honor, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
     
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  10. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    A nurse was needing to give a 3 year old girl a shot. When she entered the room with the syringe the little girl started yelling NO!NO!NO!. Her mom scolded her saying "Jessica, that is not polite." So the little girl started yelling NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!
     
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  11. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
     
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  12. Argartis

    Argartis Empty Pockets

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    Dang it that one got me.

    Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund?

    Everyone kept telling him to "get a long, little doggy."

    Sent from my LG-H810 using Tapatalk
     
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  13. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    My friend told me his new vacuum cleaner really sucks. Is that good or bad?
     
  14. mike3145

    mike3145 Loaded Pockets

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    A man is browsing an antique store in a small town upstate when he sees an amazingly lifelike statue of a rat. Completely taken by the detail in the statue he asks the shop owner how much the statue is. "The statue is $100 but if you want the story that goes along with it, it will be $500." Taken aback, the man says he'll just take the statue then leaves the shop and walks up the street. As he walks he notices several rats come out of buildings and begin to follow him. He starts walking faster and faster but the rats just keep coming and coming. He's almost at a run when he reaches the edge of town but is forced to stop at cliff overlooking a river far below. By now there are hundreds of rats behind him and not knowing what to do, he hurls the statue over the cliff. The man watches in amazement as each and every rat that was following him jumps off the cliff and plunges to his death in the river below. Completely perplexed the man walks back to the small antique shop.

    The owner says, "Ah, Sir, I see you're back for the story."

    "No," the man says, "I was wondering if you had a statue of a lawyer..."
     
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  15. baccar-3

    baccar-3 Loaded Pockets

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  16. mrtwohands

    mrtwohands Loaded Pockets

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    What do you call a cow that twitches?

    Beef jerky
     
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  17. mrtwohands

    mrtwohands Loaded Pockets

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    What do you call a cow with no legs?

    Ground beef
     
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  18. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
     
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  19. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
     
  20. mike3145

    mike3145 Loaded Pockets

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    I heard these on NPR so I'm going to hope that what's fit for the public airwaves is ok here too.

    - Your mother is so fat that when she goes to the beach Greenpeace tries to push her back into the ocean.

    - Your mother is so old that she farts dust.