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Joke thread.

Discussion in 'The Breakroom' started by Shike, Feb 3, 2016.

  1. baccar-3

    baccar-3 Loaded Pockets

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  2. 0dBm

    0dBm Loaded Pockets

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    the health of the US economy...
     
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  3. Shike

    Shike Loaded Pockets

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    Careful with jokes involving racial remarks of any kind. The mods will shut this thread down very quickly. They shut down the last joke thread..............Just saying. Here is reference to it by a mod. First page of this thread post # 8.

     
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  4. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

    The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

    Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

    Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

    "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
    After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

    "Yes?" said the Instructor.

    "I was just wondering, if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
     
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  5. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    All generalizations are false.
     
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  6. wazu013

    wazu013 EDC Junkie!!!

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    An Imam a Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
    The bartender looks and says: "What is this, a joke?"
     
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  7. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    The alphabet has 26 letters, right? But when I recite it, I only come up with 25. I can't remember why.
     
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  8. Colt Seavers

    Colt Seavers Loaded Pockets

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    My elderly uncle hasn't been very well lately. We took him to the doctors, he suggested we cover his back in grease.
    He's gone down hill real fast since then.
     
  9. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    My wife complains that I never finish anythi
     
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  10. Flashman

    Flashman Loaded Pockets

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    Dear Algebra,

    Please stop asking us to find your X. She's gone.

    P.S. We don't know Y...
     
  11. AV8R

    AV8R Loaded Pockets

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    Charm School

    Two formally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the EWR airport.

    The first lady was an arrogant, New Jersey woman, married to a wealthy mob attorney.

    The second was a soft spoken, elderly lady from the deep south.

    When their conversation centered on children, the New Jersey woman began; "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful, three-story, mansion for me."

    The Southern Belle commented; "Well, isn't that precious?"

    The New Jersey woman continued; "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a large, luxurious, Mercedes-Benz."

    Again, the Southern Belle commented; "Well, isn't that precious?"

    The Jersey woman continually boasted; "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

    Yet again, the Southern Belle commented; "Well, isn't that precious?"

    The New Jersey woman then asked her companion; "What did your husband buy for you on the birth of your first child?"

    "My husband sent me to charm school", declared the Southern Belle.

    "Charm school?" the Jersey woman cried; "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

    The Southern Belle responded; "Well, for example, instead of saying; "Who gives a #%?!?".
    I learned to say; "Well, isn't that precious..."
     
    Last edited by AV8R, Aug 6, 2016
  12. Shike

    Shike Loaded Pockets

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    What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?


    Put it on my bill.
     
  13. scríbhneoir
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    scríbhneoir Uber Prepared
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    A little reminder. Thanks for your cooperation.
     
  14. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Four engineers riding in a car - it stalls. Mechanical engineer suggests a timing problem. Electrical engineer says bad spark. Chemical engineer offers poor fuel mixture. The computer engineer has no idea but "If we get out the car and get back in it may start".
     
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  15. Colt Seavers

    Colt Seavers Loaded Pockets

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    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So i have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back
     
  16. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Why don't leprechauns iron their shamrocks? They don't want to press their luck.
     
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  17. Colt Seavers

    Colt Seavers Loaded Pockets

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    Local police are hunting the "Knitting Needle Nutter", who's stabbed six people in the last 48 hours. They believe the attacker is following some sort of pattern
     
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  18. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and tells the bartender he broke his leg in 2 places. The bartender tells him "Stop going to those places!"
    ************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
    A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.
     
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  19. scríbhneoir
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    scríbhneoir Uber Prepared
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    Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
    _____

    A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
    _____

    Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
    Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
    Patient: "Is it common?"
    Doctor: "Well, it's not unusual."
     
  20. baccar-3

    baccar-3 Loaded Pockets

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    A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

    The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.

    The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

    The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

    The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

    Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.