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Joke thread.

Discussion in 'The Breakroom' started by Shike, Feb 3, 2016.

  1. MinistryOfTruth
    • In Omnia Paratus

    MinistryOfTruth Uber Prepared

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    XD Had to google that.
     
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  2. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Q. What was Emile Zola's brother's name? A. Gorgon.
     
  3. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    There is a fine line between fishing and standing on the river bank like an idiot.
     
  4. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    A fried egg in the morning is hard to beat.
     
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  5. scríbhneoir
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    scríbhneoir Uber Prepared
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    Crimony. I JUST got this...good one.
     
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  6. scríbhneoir
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    scríbhneoir Uber Prepared
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    When Satan goes bald, there will be hell toupee...
     
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  7. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

    Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

    The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
    Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
     
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  8. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense!
    Cop says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?"
    Cop says, "You did not come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
    Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
    Cop says, "You still did not come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"
    Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
    Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
    Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
    Cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
    The lawyer exits his vehicle.
    The cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living tar out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
     
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  9. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Why isn't palindrome spelled palindromeemordnilap?
     
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  10. scríbhneoir
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    scríbhneoir Uber Prepared
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    Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
    Because they lactose.
     
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  11. scríbhneoir
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    scríbhneoir Uber Prepared
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    I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were going out, and I was like, OMg...
     
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  12. Kilted1

    Kilted1 Loaded Pockets

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    Why do the British like warm beer?


    Lucas refrigerators.
     
  13. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    If you are always straightening things you may have OCD.
    If you are always eating things you may have OBCD.
     
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  14. Karmakanic

    Karmakanic Loaded Pockets

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    Joseph Lucas, Prince of Darkness. Haven't seen that for a long time.
     
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  15. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    I called the Incontinence Hotline.
    They asked "Can you hold please?"
     
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  16. baccar-3

    baccar-3 Loaded Pockets

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    C, Eb, and G walk into a bar; the bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
     
  17. Shike

    Shike Loaded Pockets

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    The Assassin

    The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

    The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes."I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

    She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."​
     
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  18. baccar-3

    baccar-3 Loaded Pockets

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    Shike, when my wife asks me what I'm grinning about; I will tell her this joke.:rofl:
     
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  19. Water-Rat

    Water-Rat Loaded Pockets

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    And of course after that, Eb left and C and G split a fifth between them.

    Shike, you had me laughing pretty good with that one.
     
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  20. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows on state highways recently.
    A bird pathologist examined the remains and to everyone's relief confirmed that the problem was not Avian Flu.
    The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
    By analyzing the remains it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by impact with a car.
    An ornithologist was brought in to determine the disproportionate percentage of truck versus car kills.
    His conclusion: When crows eat road kill they always have a look-out crow in a near-by tree to warn of impending danger.
    While all the look-out crows could call "Caw", not a single one could call "Truck".
     
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