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Joke thread.

Discussion in 'The Breakroom' started by Shike, Feb 3, 2016.

  1. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
     
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  2. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    There is always something to be thankful for. If you can't pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
     
    #382 asemery, Sep 13, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2019
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  3. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.
     
  4. jemhouston

    jemhouston Loaded Pockets

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    Picked up from Ace of Spades

    The Saturday Night Joke
    A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

    Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.


    I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

    But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

    Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

    In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

    Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

    Love, your son, Joshua.

    P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
     
  5. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
    Phillipe Phillope.
     
  6. Tesla

    Tesla Loaded Pockets

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    Must be a French politician? ;)
     
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  7. Moshe ben David

    Moshe ben David Loaded Pockets

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    Does not compute.....

    Moshe ben David
     
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  8. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    I thought if I had said "zories" no one would get it
     
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  9. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    "Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day."
     
  10. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    I went to the doctors with hearing problems, he said “Can you describe the symptoms?”
    I said “Homer’s fat, Marge has blue hair, Maggie’s the brains, and Bart’s a brat”
     
  11. Stutoffee

    Stutoffee Loaded Pockets

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    What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

    Doug

    What do you call a man without a spade in his head?

    Douglas

    What do you call a man with rabbits up his bottom?

    Warren
     
  12. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
     
  13. Moshe ben David

    Moshe ben David Loaded Pockets

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    Somehow this must be a corollary to Murphy's Law. AND somehow related to the well known rule that one will inevitably find a lost item in the last place one looks....! ;)

    L'chaim!

    Moshe ben David
     
  14. Tesla

    Tesla Loaded Pockets

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    I heard you always find a lost item after you buy a replacement, but my wife's not buying it.....
     
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  15. PragmaticMurphyist

    PragmaticMurphyist Loaded Pockets

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    Never understood that last one... What kind of muppet carries on looking for something once they've found it?! :unsure:
     
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  16. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    If you struggle to stay awake while using your iPad, there's a nap for that.
     
  17. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.
     
  18. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
     
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  19. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
     
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  20. victograph

    victograph Loaded Pockets

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    Do you know the difference between elves and dwarfs? Elves are sweeter. At least thats what the bear said...


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
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