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Joke thread.

Discussion in 'The Breakroom' started by Shike, Feb 3, 2016.

  1. scríbhneoir
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    scríbhneoir Uber Prepared
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    That book might have this one, too.

    Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
     
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  2. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Hyundai recently recalled four-hundred thousand Sonatas. I never thought Hyundai was much of a composer anyway.
     
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  3. Rasthor

    Rasthor Loaded Pockets

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    How Churches might b in 2020:

    PASTOR: Praise the Lord.

    CONGREGATION: Hallelujah!

    PASTOR: Can we please turn our iPads and Kindle Bibles to Exodus 20:1. When
    you're done, kindly switch on your Bluetooth to receive the sermon. Please
    have your debit cards ready as we shall now collect tithes and offering. You
    can connect to the church WiFi using password Lord99087 and as for the
    renovation donations, you're welcome to contribute via EFT or mobile
    banking. The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the iPads beep and
    flicker.

    CHURCH SECRETARY: This week's meetings will be held on the various Whatsapp
    groups so please don't miss out! Wednesday Bible teachings will be held live
    on Skype @1900hrsGMT. By the way, you may follow the Pastor on Twitter for
    counseling and don't forget our weekly prayers on YouTube. God bless You
    All.

    CONGREGATION: Amen!
     
  4. Rasthor

    Rasthor Loaded Pockets

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    While marking her pupil's social studies test papers, the teacher was in a quandary about the answer given by one of the third-graders. Asked to name the four major directions, he wrote: "Listen carefully. Write neatly. Sit up straight. Raise your hand."
     
  5. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    If a husband says something in the forest and his wife isn't there to hear it, is he still wrong?
    **********************************************************************************
    My wife asked, "Does this dress make me look fat?" "Why do you ask?", I said. "Does this shirt make me look stupid?"
     
  6. Shike

    Shike Loaded Pockets

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    Two Cannibals were eating a clown. One Cannibal turned to the other and asked, “Does This taste a bit funny to you?”
     
  7. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Julius Caesar walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."
    ******************************************************************************
    Julius Caeser walks into another bar.
    He says to the bartender, "I'll have a martinus."
    The bartender says, "Don't you mean a martini?"
    "If I wanted two, I would have asked for them."
     
  8. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    A couple is excited to go on vacation to Hawaii. The wife says, we pronounce it :Ha"-waii, the husband says, "No, it is pronounced, "Ha-vaii". They see an elderly couple crossing a bridge and ask them, "Excuse me Ma'am and Sir, "Do we say Ha-waii or Ha-vaii?"
    The older couple answers, "Havaii"
    Thank you!" Answers the other couple. ""Your velcome" the elders answer.
     
  9. baccar-3

    baccar-3 Loaded Pockets

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    Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer; the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here."
    Helium doesn't react.
     
  10. Rasthor

    Rasthor Loaded Pockets

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    Only a woman would understand this conversation between a friend and his
    wife:

    Wife to husband: "Take out the garbage but not the bag"
    Husband: "What, how can I take out the garbage without the bag?"
    Wife repeats: "Take out the garbage but not the bag" but this time louder.

    Husband doesn't understand and this exact discussion gets repeated about 4
    more times. The kids are looking in awe.

    Finally the wife says: "Put a KNOT in the bag."
     
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  11. scríbhneoir
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    scríbhneoir Uber Prepared
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    A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender sees this and asks why. The pirate replies, "Arrr, I've got a bounty on my head."
     
  12. Shike

    Shike Loaded Pockets

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    Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
    A: They planet.
     
  13. Water-Rat

    Water-Rat Loaded Pockets

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    What do nuclear physicists do on vacation?

    They go fission.
     
  14. wazu013

    wazu013 EDC Junkie!!!

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    2 cannibals were sharing a man for dinner. The first cannibal asked the other "how ya doing". The second answers "I'm having a ball". The first one says "You're eating to fast".
     
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  15. baccar-3

    baccar-3 Loaded Pockets

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  16. baccar-3

    baccar-3 Loaded Pockets

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    If you jumped off a bridge in Paris; you'd be in seine.
     
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  17. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    The dyslexic plumber favorite song was "I've got you under my sink?"
     
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  18. countrydirt

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    How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?




    1 or 2

    1 or 2?
     
  19. hotworms

    hotworms Loaded Pockets

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    Ok. This came from a three year old, so don't judge me.

    How do you make a tissue dance?

    Put a little boogie in it.
     
  20. MinistryOfTruth
    • In Omnia Paratus

    MinistryOfTruth Uber Prepared

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    Around noon a british woman walks into an almost empty pub in London, accompanied by a stampeding horde of dogs.
    It's a cacophony of paws clinking on the floor, yelps, the occasional growl or bark.
    She wades through the canine river up to the counter and orders a double scotch neat, empties the glass in the blink of an eye and signals for a refill. She looks depressed. After she inhales her second glass she asks for a beer.
    The dogs sart to quiet down, the woman sips her beer and stares off into nothing, nodding her head to a moody piano blues playing in the background.

    Bartender pours her next one and finally breaks his silence:
    "I wish i had a few dogs myself" he says and sighs deeply.
    "Careful what you wish for" replies the woman.
    "No need to tell me, trust me."
    "Oh, is it the dogs? Because i'll leave as soon as infinsih thi-"
    Bartender interrupts her:
    "No, no i dont mind the dogs, it's more like 'what if things could have turned out differently, less dissapointing?' If you know what i mean."
    "All too well, love. I'm in the same boat. But because of the dogs." she says.
    "What about them? You a breeder of these, er, hounds?" the bartender asks.
    "No, dear god no, i was walking along the street just two blocks down towards the tub- ah subway station and this bloke comes up to me and starts spouting crazy nonsense about being a genie."

    "Oh boy." say the bartender and cringes. The blues tune takes an even more melancholic twist.

    "Right? I try to shut him down and tell him to bugger off but he really wont stop talking unless i ask him to grant my wish. I was stumped, had no idea what to ask for and he's yammering on and all of a sudden i hear myself say 'A thousand pounds? Not bad innit? Yeah, allright Mr Geenie, i wish for a thousand pounds!' You wouldn't believe it: all of a sudden there's a positive mess of dogs everywhere. And he's all smiling and smug the little pest, like he did me a favour."

    The bartender, who has been nodding his head the whole time, suddenly starts to giggle.

    "Whats so funny eh? Think i'm taking the p@ss? He really did conjure up a storm of dogs!" The british woman is obviously upset.
    "Nothing, sorry, i believe you, honsetly i do! I'll get to that in a minute, so what did you do? You told him right?"

    The bartender cant contain his giggles as he asks the last question, he starts laughing uncontrollably.
    "Course i did! I told him: 'what is this? I asked you for money! This is going to bankrupt me taking care of these! What is wrong with you?!' D'you know what says to me? You cant possibly immagine what that little good for nothing said to me."

    The bartender composes himself and manages to choke his laughin fit.
    Wipes out a tear from his eye and looks at the woman and says:
    "He told you he was a little hard of hearing and how truly sorry he felt, but your wish was already spent. And then he vanished in a purple puff of smoke."

    The woman drops her jaw and just stares at the bartender for a few heartbeats.
    "How? How did you know? You werent there, this was fifteen minutes ago down the street, HOW?!"

    The bartender, now recovered from his laughing fit, points to the counter and says "he was here an hour ago, swear to god, same thing happened to me too."

    "What? What did you wish for?" The womans eyes widen in anticipation.

    Barkeep points at the air and says: "Do you hear that? The piano music?"
    "Yeah sure. What, you wanted music entertainment for your pub?"
    "Nope." he says and points the finger to one of the booths further away, across the Canine Sea.
    The woman turns around and sees the tiniest little man sitting on the table playing a size-to-fit cocert-piano. Hes quite adorable in his size and he plays beautifully.
    She looks back at the bartener and before she has time to speak he says:

    "You can be truly sure i did NOT ask for a ten inch pianist."
     
    Last edited by MinistryOfTruth, Apr 3, 2016
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