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Joke thread.

Discussion in 'The Breakroom' started by Shike, Feb 3, 2016.

  1. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    The guy who invented autocorrect has died… restaurant in piece
     
  2. jemhouston

    jemhouston Loaded Pockets

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    November in Texas, where Mother Nature can go faster from 90 to 55 than you can when you spot a State Trooper.
     
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  3. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Smoking will kill you.

    Bacon will kill you.

    But smoking bacon will cure it.
     
  4. indigo_wolf

    indigo_wolf AKA Breezy

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    Why do ducks have webbed feet?
    To stamp out burning fires?
    Why do elephants have flat feet?
    To stamp out burning ducks. ​
     
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  5. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?
     
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  6. Moshe ben David

    Moshe ben David Loaded Pockets

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    Probably for the exact same reason you put all your money into your home at the advice of a broker....

    Moshe
     
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  7. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    How many boxes of "Thin Mints" do I have to eat before I start seeing results?
     
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  8. jemhouston

    jemhouston Loaded Pockets

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    From Southwest Airline.

    What do you call a turkey the day after Thanksgiving?

    Lucky

    I'd tell a chemistry joke, but I don't think I'd get a reaction.
     
  9. Thunkco

    Thunkco Empty Pockets

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    [​IMG]


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  10. Sigdog

    Sigdog Loaded Pockets

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    Hi,

    I came from Australia and married a Norwegian girl her in Norway in 2000........ didn't know the language at all and really didn't know my wife's family and friends......... My joke via a translator at our wedding reception went down like a lead balloon:

    About 100 years ago a couple walked down the steps of the church after their wedding, he hopped up onto his horse, helped her up behind him and they galloped off for their honeymoon......... after a short time the horse stumbled, the man stopped the horse, got off and walked around to face the horse and, pointing his finger yelled "that's once", he climbed back on and continued along; pretty soon the horse slipped on the stone road and he stopped again, climbed down faced the horse, pointed his finger and yelled "that's twice"........... he climbed back on and they continued on their way again, after a while the horse slipped on the stones again, this time he let his wife down from behind him, jumped down and removed the saddle and the bridle, he yelled at the horse "right, that's three times", pulled out his pistol and shot the horse between the eyes. As the horse lay dead in the middle of the road his wife yelled at him "what did you do that for stupid, now what do we do?"
    He walked over to her, pointed his finger and yelled........ "that's once!"

    Twas a very quiet crowd that night with about two people clapping....... two aussie friends!
     
    Last edited by Sigdog, Nov 27, 2018
    #290 Sigdog, Nov 26, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2018
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  11. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don't know what you're missing!
     
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  12. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
    ..................................................................
    Converting the numbers 51, 6 and 500 to Roman numerals doesn’t just make me mad... It makes me LIVID!
     
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  13. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Accordion to a recent study, if you insert the name of a musical instrument into a sentence no one will notice
     
    Last edited by asemery, Dec 16, 2018
    #293 asemery, Dec 15, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2018
  14. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    My wife told me "Nothing rhymes with orange!"
    I told her "No it doesn't."
     
  15. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    "Fortnight" is not a good password. It's too weak.
     
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  16. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    My bed is a wonderful place where I can remember everything I was supposed to do that day.
     
  17. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother
     
  18. Moshe ben David

    Moshe ben David Loaded Pockets

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    I agree, but where's the joke?

    L'chaim!

    Moshe ben David
     
  19. jemhouston

    jemhouston Loaded Pockets

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    Why is the shovel famous?

    It's a groundbreaking invention.
     
  20. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Never test the depth of the water with both feet.