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Joke thread.

Discussion in 'The Breakroom' started by Shike, Feb 3, 2016.

  1. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Thanks for explaining the word multitudinous to me, that means a lot
     
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  2. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Punctuation matters

    Let's eat Grandma

    A woman without her man is nothing
     
  3. callforfire
    • In Omnia Paratus

    callforfire Loaded Pockets

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    Heard this one again recently.

    A man out for a walk on the beach finds an unusual bottle. Thinking why not give it a shot, he gives it a rub and poof! A genie pops out.
    Amazed, the man asks if he gets 3 wishes. The genie reply's "yes but there is always a price to pay. I've looked into your mind, and seen that it's your ex-wife you most despise. You may wish for anything you want, but know that she will be blessed with twice as much"!

    The man waste no time in thinking it over and immediately wishes to be living in a mansion. Instantly, the man and the genie are standing in the living room of a mansion. The genie reminds him "Your ex-wife has two mansions, just as great as this one".
    Unaffected the man claims his second wish, 5 billion dollars in an offshore account. The genie hands over an account number, and warns the man once again. "Your ex-wife gets double and so far you've given your ex-wife two mansions, and 10 billion dollars".
    This time the man looks down, takes a deep breath, and braces himself.

    "I wish you'd beat me half to death".

    I think the last time I heard this it was mother-in-law, but it still works.
     
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  4. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    My wife tells me I'm average. I think she's mean.

    A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
     
  5. Stutoffee

    Stutoffee Loaded Pockets

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    I bought these shoes off a Drug Dealer.

    I don't know WHAT he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!! :)
     
  6. charlie fox

    charlie fox Loaded Pockets

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  7. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    I went to buy some camouflage shirts the other day, but I couldn’t find any
     
  8. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Why do the French only put one egg in an omelette?
    Because one egg is un oeuf.
     
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  9. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    The advantages of origami are twofold
    ..............................................................
    Never fall in love with a tennis player?
    To them, "Love" means nothing
     
  10. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
     
  11. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    I'm thinking about getting a new haircut... I'm going to mullet over.
     
  12. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
    I'll let you know
     
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  13. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
     
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  14. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
     
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  15. charlie fox

    charlie fox Loaded Pockets

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  16. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
     
  17. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Welcome to Civilization in 2018 -

    Our Phones - Wireless
    Cooking - Fireless
    Cars - Keyless
    Food - Fatless
    Tires -Tubeless
    Dress - Sleeveless
    Youth - Jobless
    Leaders - Shameless
    Relationships - Meaningless
    Attitudes - Careless
    Babies - Fatherless
    Feelings - Heartless
    Education - Valueless
    Children – Mannerless

    We are - SPEECHLESS,
    Government - is CLUELESS,
    And our Politicians - are WORTHLESS!

    I'm scared - ****less
     
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  18. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Our local cemetery raised its burial cost - blamed it on the cost of living.
     
  19. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    I tried to teach myself how to drive a stick shift car but I couldn't find a manual.
     
  20. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    What does "reading comprehension" even mean?
     
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