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Joke thread.

Discussion in 'The Breakroom' started by Shike, Feb 3, 2016.

  1. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    "You are late" scolded the wife when her husband came home at 3:00 am. "You promised you would be home by 11:45."
    "I am not late" replied her husband. "I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."
     
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  2. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    I can't stand people who don't know the difference between your and you're.
    There so dumb.
     
  3. scríbhneoir
    • Administrator

    scríbhneoir Uber Prepared
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    Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
    Because the cow has the udder.
     
  4. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Dyslexics have more nuf.
     
  5. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
     
  6. baccar-3

    baccar-3 Loaded Pockets

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    Came with no instructions.
    The laughter turned to guffaws when she found out I emailed the seller to find out what the three dials were on the main face and was told they were only there for decoration.
    This was played on me at Christmas of all times.:unsure:
    P.S.---The compass, Thermometer, and time zone watch do work; I kinda like it; maybe the joke is on her.;)

    [​IMG]jokewatch by ?, on Flickr

    Little Ben.
     
    Last edited by Fan-Rang 173, Jan 21, 2017
    #186 baccar-3, Jan 18, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2017
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  7. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    AVOCADOS
    A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
    A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
    He replied, "They had avocados."
     
  8. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    What is the difference between a joist and a girder?
    The first wrote "Ulysses", and the other wrote "Faust".
     
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  9. ripjack13

    ripjack13 Loaded Pockets

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    Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

    Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

    The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

    Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
    "Hmm," says the Doctor,

    He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

    The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

    "No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
     
  10. ripjack13

    ripjack13 Loaded Pockets

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    Why did the chocolate chip cookie go to the doctor ?
    He was feeling crumby....
     
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  11. ripjack13

    ripjack13 Loaded Pockets

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    A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

    "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

    "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

    "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

    I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

    St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

    "Just a couple minutes ago..."
     
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  12. ripjack13

    ripjack13 Loaded Pockets

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    I once entered my local paper's pun contest. I sent in ten different puns hoping at least one would win but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
     
  13. ripjack13

    ripjack13 Loaded Pockets

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    Mrs. Green lived in two story house together with an elderly widow. After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit nervous. “John”, she called to her son “do me a favor and go find out how ole Mrs. Robinson is.” So six year old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson’s door. “So how is she?” asked Mrs. Green when John came back up. “How is she?” repeated John “I’ve never seen her so mad in my life, she said it’s none of your darn business how old she is.”
     
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  14. ripjack13

    ripjack13 Loaded Pockets

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    Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
    The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."
    The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
    The young guy says, "Well, she is a beautiful 27 year old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, very voluptuous, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

    The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.
     
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  15. DIlan

    DIlan Loaded Pockets

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    A sandwich walks into the bar and orders a drink,
    The bartender says: "We don't serve food here" :D
     
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  16. GodWeTrust

    GodWeTrust Empty Pockets

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    Ugh. I can't see it. Please explain.


    Moto Z Forced me to do this.
     
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  17. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    It is an old joke based on the pronunciation of the two authors (Joyce and Goethe)
     
  18. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”
     
  19. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    There is no “I” in denial.
     
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  20. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
    But I laugh more.