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Joke thread.

Discussion in 'The Breakroom' started by Shike, Feb 3, 2016.

  1. Shike

    Shike Loaded Pockets

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    Don't know if there is a thread for this already, so here it goes. Mods please merge if there is one already (I could not find one).


    A Farm Kid Joins the Marines...

    Dear Ma and Pa,


    I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places get filled up.


    I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to sleeping late now. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your bunk and shine some stuff. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

    Got to shave here but it is not that bad, because there's warm water here. Breakfast is strong on trimmins like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.


    We go on "forced marches," which the platoon sergeant says is necessary to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "forced march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in big trucks.


    The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

    This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting awards for shootin. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shootin at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable like and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

    Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with them boys back home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

    Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


    Your loving daughter,

    Alice
     
    Last edited by Shike, Feb 3, 2016
  2. hotworms

    hotworms Loaded Pockets

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  3. baconboyrlz
    • In Omnia Paratus

    baconboyrlz Loaded Pockets

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    There was a joke thread but it was taken down as it violated the rules. Shike If you could edit the original post to keep it family friendly and appropriate this thread may continue.
     
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  4. Shike

    Shike Loaded Pockets

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    Was there something not family friendly about the joke? Please let me know what it is. Haven't heard from the mods.
    Kind regards

    Shike
     
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  5. baconboyrlz
    • In Omnia Paratus

    baconboyrlz Loaded Pockets

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    Nah, nothing wrong with yours, just putting the warning out there
     
  6. Shike

    Shike Loaded Pockets

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    Ok, thank you! I guess I should have check with you or the other moderators before posting. Please feel free to delete the thread if you think it will violate rules.
     
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  7. baconboyrlz
    • In Omnia Paratus

    baconboyrlz Loaded Pockets

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    I'm no mod. Just I really liked the other one and don't want this one to go either.
     
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  8. Shike

    Shike Loaded Pockets

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    Oops my bad. Hope it sticks. I always need a good laugh.
    Kind regards
     
  9. scríbhneoir
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    scríbhneoir Uber Prepared
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    As long as the jokes abide by the EDCF guidelines, no worries.

    2. Language and Content
    Foul, obscene or overtly suggestive language or content is not acceptable; nor is language that is sexist, racist, bigoted or homophobic. If you wouldn’t say it to your mother, grandmother, clergyman, or a kindergarten class, don’t say it here. These restrictions also apply to: photos, graphics, videos, linked content, acronyms or abbreviations, or creative use of symbols, which, if spelled out, would contain the same prohibited language.

    Thanks for your cooperation.
     
  10. Sriracha

    Sriracha Loaded Pockets

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    Jesus love you no matter what language you use! Expression is a gift from the creator!
     
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  11. farnorthdan
    • GITD Manix 2XL Owner

    farnorthdan Loaded Pockets

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    I'm with bacon, I really miss the old joke thread too, I like driving my wife crazy with all those super dumb easy jokes that she never gets...lol
     
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  12. AV8R

    AV8R Loaded Pockets

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    At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country estate."

    "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

    "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

    "My parrot? Dead? The one that won last years' International competition?"

    "Si, Senor, that is the one."

    "That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

    "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

    "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

    "Nobody, Senor, He ate the meat of the dead horse."

    "Dead horse? What dead horse?"

    "Your horse, Senor Rod."

    "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

    "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

    "Are you insane? What water cart?"

    "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

    "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

    "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

    "What? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a single candle?"

    "Si Senor Rod."

    "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

    "For the funeral, Senor Rod."

    "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"

    "Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your Perazzi shotgun. The one with the elegant rose and gold scroll engraving."

    SILENCE...
    LONG SILENCE...
    VERY LONG SILENCE.

    "Ernesto, if you scratched my Perazzi shotgun, you're in deep trouble!"
     
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  13. Water-Rat

    Water-Rat Loaded Pockets

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    Shike, thanks for bringing back some laughs. I was chuckling through most of that and just about bust my guts open with laughter at the end.

    Oh those fancy people... you can destroy everything they have, just don't scratch their expensive shotgun and you'll be ok.
     
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  14. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    Great Text Message

    "Honey, I'm having one more beer with the guys. If I am not home in 20 minutes read this message again."
     
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  15. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    My wife threw bottle of Omega 3 cod liver oil capsules to me, I missed the catch and they hit me in the face.

    I now have super fish oil injuries.
     
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  16. scríbhneoir
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    Ow....puns rule.
     
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  17. JPHing

    JPHing Loaded Pockets

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    Arnold Schwarzenegger is asked if he upgraded to windows 8.1 to which he replies
    "I still love Vista baby"
     
  18. Shike

    Shike Loaded Pockets

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    A sloth calls the police to report that he was attacked and robbed by a gang of turtles. When the police ask him to describe the attack, he replies:

    "I.....Doooon't.....knoooow...
    It... all... happened..... soooooo ... fasssst....."
     
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  19. asemery

    asemery Loaded Pockets

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    What do you call an Italian abominable snowman?..........?
    A spag-yeti.
     
  20. scríbhneoir
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    scríbhneoir Uber Prepared
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    A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
     
  21. Water-Rat

    Water-Rat Loaded Pockets

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    Heh... think that photon one was in the other thread... as was a favorite of a student I work with. The science book my school uses has a little comic with a pair of atoms.

    One atom says, "I think I'm about to lose an electron."

    The other queries, "Are you sure?"

    "I'm Positive!" replies the first atom.